Other Mothers

This isn't the first time I've wondered if I'm related to my mother. Did I actually come from a woman who spends her days baking cookies and travels in a trailer. A woman who seems to base so much of her self-worth on men's opinions of her, her face glowing most when given a compliment about her slender figure. And it is sometimes when I catch glimpses in myself of the things I hate in her, that I most wish we were not related. Then, at least, I could wonder where such flaws come from.

Growing up I never knew my father. I knew of him, but he was not a part of my life. This left open a world of possibilities. As a child I thought that my father could be Elvis--Why else would my mom listen to his records repeatedly? But when it came to my mother, the doors were all closed and the flawed woman I was left with, was undoubtedly my mother, my real mother.

But my dreams of other mothers don't exist only due to my distaste for my own mother's characteristics and behaviors. Sometimes, it is the strength, beauty, intelligence or intrigue of an older woman with whom I come in contact that makes me wish that she, not the baker who reads Patricia Cornwell novels, were actually my mother. I imagine how much better I would have turned out had I been born to one of these well-educated and sophisticated women instead of the farmer's daughter I was stuck with.

I could add the perfunctory claims that none of this means that I love my own mother any less--which is exactly what this statement is sounding like. But really, I think that I would love my own mother more if I felt that we had more in common or if I didn't find the very traits that we do have in common to be the ones I most dislike about myself.

Am I Crazy?

I totally believe in the death penalty for those who are undoubtedly guilty of murder that is not in self defense. Still, I find myself deeply disturbed by the horrific deaths and images of dead bodies bandied about on the internet and TV these days. I am largely ignorant about the extent of Gaddafi and bin Laden's crimes against humanity and am more than willing to hear what those more knowledgeable have to say, but I struggle to find the deaths of two men who I do not know to be murderers personally justified. Americans so value their "freedom of speech", so how do you celebrate the death of men who seemed to have simply used their speech to convince others to do their dirty work

I am also hesitant to group the two together. As far as I know bin Laden did not oversee executions as Gaddafi did. He was a zealot with charisma, but I don't believe that he forced anyone to do anything he or she did not want or choose to do. Guilty of conspiracy sure, but deserving of being killed while in his home with his family, I'm not so sure. Not to mention the "collateral damage" incurred during the murder/assassination. Gaddafi did supposedly oversee executions and certainly abused his power. Does that justify his horrible torture and murder? Maybe only those subjected to his tyranny can answer that and I suppose they already have.

Still, I find myself singularly disturbed by these events in the last year. Even the most liberal of American media figures seem to find justice, and even amusement in the deaths of these men. My socialist friends who staunchly oppose the death penalty in the US, hardly blinked at the gruesome deaths of these two Muslims. And I can't help but wonder if that is not at the heart of this--I mean the Muslim part. The US has been going into foreign countries and killing terrorists like bin Laden and Awlaki among others. Of course, one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter, as they say. I, personally, can say that I did understand to some extent the anger of the Irish back in the 80s and 90s; not that I believe what the IRA did was right. Were these Muslims so different? So undeserving of any kind of due process under the law? We keep proven serial killers on death row for years while their sentences are appealed, but swoop in and brutally murder "terrorists" on foreign soil.

I know that many will be offended and I would appreciate any educated insights into this topic. Maybe I am missing something. Or maybe there are others at least uncomfortable with these murders and I just haven't heard from them.

We Need To Talk About Kevin

These are my thoughts on the best book I have ever read, We Need To Talk About Kevin:
Written from a smart female perspective(that I wouldn't call feminist as it is more personal than political), Kevin is an exploration of the human experience for any thinking person. The protagonist, Eva, tells a story that cannot always be trusted as her perceptions seem downright paranoid, at times. Or it could be that she is just easily recognizing character traits in her child that are so similar to her own. What is scary about Kevin is not that he is a foreign monster. What he says makes sense, but what he does is something else completely. You wonder if any thoughtful person wouldn't come to the same conclusions about existence that Kevin has come to; the only difference being that he is lacking empathy(the one thing that stands between most of us and sociopathology). Kevin cannot be so simply labeled a "bad seed" or an anitsocial and tossed aside; his is not a completely inaccessible character.

I read from beginning to end completely enthralled with every word. I found the ending riveting and revealing, but not because of what might be thought of as major events(those were well foreshadowed, if not outright stated), but because of some of the small events.

To those who thought the novel should be shorter, I can only say that I wished it had been longer. To those who thought that it was flawed because Kevin did not get psychiatric help, I suggest a reread and some investigation into the the efficacy of "therapy" with the characterologically disordered. And finally to those who thought it too "dark", I suggest some serious self reflection as well as a closer investigation of the world around you. To Lionel Shriver, I give a heart-felt thank you.

PS I found it hard to believe that Eva was not an atheist or that she never thought of herself as "particularly bright". Still, considering the talent and intelligence of Shriver, I can only assume that my disbelief is due to some error on my part as opposed to one on hers.

Special Ed in America: The Reality

Most Americans don't realize what is really going on in our school systems. Rules, regulations and laws regarding special education as well as their interpretations by hearing officers have increasingly led to untenable situations for school employees. In fact, it is out of control. All students are entitled to a free education, but only students identified as having special needs are entitled to a free and appropriate education and therein lies the rub. What is appropriate?

Like so many things in America, class and money shade this definition. Most educators are doing their best with what limited resources are available to them to provide services to their students. Some school systems do less than they should for students who are poor or whose parents seem disinterested. This, of course, is a travesty.

Still worse, are the families who abuse the system. There are countless families who demand unnecessary and over the top services. Some demand that their children be identified as eligible for special education even when they do not have a qualifying disability or a need for services. Of course, money can always find "doctors" or other professionals willing to dole out diagnosis.

Most schools will give in when threatened with a law suit and simply qualify students for services and provide unnecessary services to students to avoid paying exorbitant attorney fees. It used to be that compensatory education was the most that was awarded to students and families. Now we see undeserving families awarded millions of dollars for "loss of future earnings". Of course, to pay these families, monies are taken from general education funds and less and less funding is being spend on the 90% of the student population that does not qualify as needing special education services.

I worked for years in special education in California. Feel free to ask me questions. While I don't believe in abusing the system, I do believe in providing appropriate services to students who need them and would be happy to answer questions as best I can. I know that there are lots of parents out there who do not have advocates and attorneys and are simply trying to do what is best for their kids. I'd be happy to provide any insight I can.

La Piaga Pages: In Honor of All of My Aches, Pains and Discomforts

Stubbed toe:

On the ten year anniversary of 9/11 I suffered a severe toe stubbing while on my way to the kitchen for some Italian truffle cheese. I made a slow but steady recovery. My dear friend was kind enough to create the attached collage in memoriam of the day's terrible event.

Constipation:
While not discussed nearly enough this is an issue that has began to plague me as I age. For the second time in my life I just experienced constipation. While I have been told that many people suffer from constipation and go about their business as normal, I just can't believe that these people could possibly be experiencing the same pain I feel. 

So, I will describe it in detail. It starts off with the usual feeling of having to defecate but once I sit down to poo it turns into excruciating pain as if a huge shard of glass is trying to pass through my anus. Even when it feels like I am finally getting somewhere and the sharp rock that is passing through my bowels is half out, it gets sucked right back up as soon as I relax. 

This condition seems to last six to twelve hours during which time I hobble around feeling like someone has shoved a huge pointed rock up my ass. Finally, during one of my countless efforts to rid myself of the rock hard poo, it passes through while I scream and rock back and forth (a helpful technique recommended by a friend) on the toilet. For the next 24 hours I feel like I just performed an anal gangbang scene in a porn. (I haven't actually ever been in an anal gangbang but I imagine this is what it feels like after). 


The best advice I can give anyone at the mercy of some rock hard poo is to drink a lot of prune juice. Unlike laxatives that only seem to work on poo that has yet to form, prune juice seems to be able to work its way down the colon and soften or lubricate the already existing poo.

Male Writers

Having recently finished two books by male writers, I have to say that I am sick of hearing about cock. One writer, Jonathan Franzen, actually said that the male character was going to "fill her with self-worth" when he was going to fuck a female character. Are you kidding me? And these are modern "literary" writers?

The book Freedom by Jonathan Franzen got a lot of attention last year and came highly recommended. I'm agog as to why. The characters are as uninteresting as the lifeless plot. Poorly written and poorly structured. I imagine that the writer fancies himself a combination of the supposedly intellectual and kind-to-a-fault Walter and the sexy rocker Richard. I'm guessing he is more of a cross between Rain Man and and a guy who has spent most of his adult life trying to prove that he is not the dork everyone in high school thought he was.

West Memphis Three Released

Thanks to Paradise Lost they released these three idiots. The fact is that "Damien" (not even his given name) spent a lot of time in mental hospitals; he said this was because he was homicidal, psychotic and sociopathic and his psych records confirm this. He also tortured and killed animals. Jessie (the one with the low IQ) also showed deception on a polygraph when he denied being involved with the murders.

And for the record, I was born and raised in California. I've never even been to The South apart from a lay-over in Dallas. I'm a (former, but you never really stop being one) goth and an atheist. So, I have no hillbilly, anti-Metallica or religious bias that would lead me to believe that just because a person wears black, he or she is a sociopath. I could care less if someone claims to be a Satanist or Wiccan. I also don't assume that just because law enforcement officers and judges have a Southern accent they are idiots.
 

The police did not just go out looking for the kid who wears heavy metal t-shirts. Damien tried to kill his own father, tried to scratch a classmate's eyes out, threatened the police and claimed he wanted to sacrifice his first-born to Satan. This was all before the murders and is documented in court records. His own attorneys submitted these documents to the court during the sentencing phase in hopes of avoiding the death penalty due to his mental illnesses. 

Good luck Lori Davis!