La Piaga Pages: In Honor of All of My Aches, Pains and Discomforts

Stubbed toe:

On the ten year anniversary of 9/11 I suffered a severe toe stubbing while on my way to the kitchen for some Italian truffle cheese. I made a slow but steady recovery. My dear friend was kind enough to create the attached collage in memoriam of the day's terrible event.

Constipation:
While not discussed nearly enough this is an issue that has began to plague me as I age. For the second time in my life I just experienced constipation. While I have been told that many people suffer from constipation and go about their business as normal, I just can't believe that these people could possibly be experiencing the same pain I feel. 

So, I will describe it in detail. It starts off with the usual feeling of having to defecate but once I sit down to poo it turns into excruciating pain as if a huge shard of glass is trying to pass through my anus. Even when it feels like I am finally getting somewhere and the sharp rock that is passing through my bowels is half out, it gets sucked right back up as soon as I relax. 

This condition seems to last six to twelve hours during which time I hobble around feeling like someone has shoved a huge pointed rock up my ass. Finally, during one of my countless efforts to rid myself of the rock hard poo, it passes through while I scream and rock back and forth (a helpful technique recommended by a friend) on the toilet. For the next 24 hours I feel like I just performed an anal gangbang scene in a porn. (I haven't actually ever been in an anal gangbang but I imagine this is what it feels like after). 


The best advice I can give anyone at the mercy of some rock hard poo is to drink a lot of prune juice. Unlike laxatives that only seem to work on poo that has yet to form, prune juice seems to be able to work its way down the colon and soften or lubricate the already existing poo.